You Gotta Start in the Morning

A very wise, but tragically, ugly man told me that if you are going to drink all day long, you have to start in the morning. While that may seem obvious to some (mostly blood Garners and the stray Pardew), it will have evaded the psyche of other, less prescient souls (damn near every one else on Earth except for a singlular Hawk and Sugg).

I have long maintained that the proper way to start to day is to bite the head off of a live toad, and chase it with a Bloodymary. This is for two reasons. One, with regards to the toad, you can be sure that nothing worse is going to happen to you all day long, and two, with regards to the Bloodymary,...well...damn...I just like Bloodymary's.

Wednesday, while yet another toad may have his head biten off, I'll have to skip the bloodymary. We begin a trek to Arkansas, so I'll need to be sober for most of the driving portion of the day. The very wise, but tragically ugly man is turning 50 years old. His bride, the afore mentioned Sugg, has seen fit to recognize this milestone with a festive event that is likely to be like no other any of us have ever attended.

Forty seven years ago, it was determined that this ugly man , who was an ugly child, could not fly. I tried then to explain it to him. He defied me, and learned for himself that he could not fly. For some inexplicable reason, I got my ass beat because he could not fly. I will be making sure he does not attempt to fly this weekend.

But I digress, back to the issue at hand, we've had memorable trips to Arkansas. Last year, my bride, the afore mentioned Hawk, slamed the car door on my hand. That was pleasant. Later, we rapped my shins with an ironing board. Ahh...memories.

A few years ago at Thanksgiving, we attempted and were a dismal failure at Turkey juggling. Perhaps my favorite trip home was for Ashley's wedding. Note to self...antique tapestries are VERY DAMN FLAMABLE and don't extinguish the fire using your hands. When calling for help, everyone in the room will just look at you and say things like "hey..is that on fire?". (The flames may have been a tip off.) And ....and, when you show up covered in soot from fighting the fire, with the arms torne off of your suit jacket, Aunt Dorthy will still be pissed because you took so long getting her dinner.

So, Wednesday we will embark into winter storms to visit family, graves, and memories. There are challenges beyond the ice covered hills. We're doomed to slip and slide through the emotional wreckage of this year, but in the end blood is thicker than water. Just like when we last gathered in Memphis, you gotta start in the morning.

Just bite the head off the toad, and have a BloodyMary and everything will be allright.