For Sale: One Conversion Van

Last years Christmas adventure began with the van breaking down due to water in the fuel in the middle of a freezing rain storm. We were rescued by my Father-in-Law, who loaned us his mini-van. We celebrated our good fortune by slamming the car door on my hand. On our return trip, we rapped both of my shins with an ironing board.

This year, events in Arkansas dictated that we make a quick, unplanned trip there. The trip began most innocently enough on a beautiful day. We thought that we had successfully sat out the bad weather that had occurred south of us. We were wrong.

It began as snow 'flurries' and ended as a 'Winter Storm'. Not just any winter storm, a major winter storm that knocked power out all over souther Virginia.

We hung tough, and drove carefully past 25 wrecked cars. We saw cars in ditches. We saw cars in the median. We saw cars balanced on the guard rails. We saw 10 cars crashed on an icy bridge at mile marker 105. The van proved steady as we drove at 35-40 mph in the ruts in the snow.

There is a good bit of stress that goes along with driving 330 miles in a storm that is going from snow to ice. As we began to escape the snow, though tired, I thought "Dang...we're going to make it."

Ahhh.....ye of little faith. Just like Janet Leigh stepping into the shower in Psycho, just like the skipper and Gilligan, just like George Clooney sailing out of Gloucester harbour...when we got into the van on that beautiful morning in Jersey, we were doomed. She got slashed and stabbed, we were just screwed.

The Van farted...and farted again...and again. DAMN! Water in the damn fuel again. We limped to the rest area, poured STP gas treatement in, and the motor died.

We're screwed. Landi looked at me. I looked at her. We looked around at the ice covered trees, and the ice coated sidewalks. We were in a Rest Area on I-81 just north of Marion, Virginia in the middle of a horrible ice storm. We called the state police,and they said they would dispatch a trooper as soon as they could. We could hear the sleet hitting the van, and we could see the icicles growing longer.

Because we expected it to take hours for the trooper to arrive, we climbed into the back of the van. The huge captains chairs are much more comfortable than the driving compartment. Using ice from the storm, I fixed cocktails as Miss Landi prepared h'ordorves.

We were setting in relative comfort enjoying the storm when suddenly, there was a rapping on the window, and a flash light lit the interior of the van. It was the state trooper. It only took one hour for him to arrive.

Once he over came the initial shock of seeing people climb out of the back of an ice covered, stranded van clutching cocktails, the trooper was very helpful and called for a tow truck. We climbed back into the van for more cocktails and snacks.

Roughly 45 minutes later the tow truck arrived, and we were rescued. The truck operator dropped us at the only hotel in the area that still had power. We disembarked clutching all manner of crap. We had fur coats. We had computers. We had the port-a-bar.

When at last we entered our warm and dry hotel room, we deposited our gear and discovered something.

Make a note. When stranded for any reason, don't forget to get the luggage out of the car before they tow it to the garage.

I don't have to make a note. I'm sure Miss Landi will remind me.

You Gotta Start in the Morning

A very wise, but tragically, ugly man told me that if you are going to drink all day long, you have to start in the morning. While that may seem obvious to some (mostly blood Garners and the stray Pardew), it will have evaded the psyche of other, less prescient souls (damn near every one else on Earth except for a singlular Hawk and Sugg).

I have long maintained that the proper way to start to day is to bite the head off of a live toad, and chase it with a Bloodymary. This is for two reasons. One, with regards to the toad, you can be sure that nothing worse is going to happen to you all day long, and two, with regards to the Bloodymary,...well...damn...I just like Bloodymary's.

Wednesday, while yet another toad may have his head biten off, I'll have to skip the bloodymary. We begin a trek to Arkansas, so I'll need to be sober for most of the driving portion of the day. The very wise, but tragically ugly man is turning 50 years old. His bride, the afore mentioned Sugg, has seen fit to recognize this milestone with a festive event that is likely to be like no other any of us have ever attended.

Forty seven years ago, it was determined that this ugly man , who was an ugly child, could not fly. I tried then to explain it to him. He defied me, and learned for himself that he could not fly. For some inexplicable reason, I got my ass beat because he could not fly. I will be making sure he does not attempt to fly this weekend.

But I digress, back to the issue at hand, we've had memorable trips to Arkansas. Last year, my bride, the afore mentioned Hawk, slamed the car door on my hand. That was pleasant. Later, we rapped my shins with an ironing board. Ahh...memories.

A few years ago at Thanksgiving, we attempted and were a dismal failure at Turkey juggling. Perhaps my favorite trip home was for Ashley's wedding. Note to self...antique tapestries are VERY DAMN FLAMABLE and don't extinguish the fire using your hands. When calling for help, everyone in the room will just look at you and say things like "hey..is that on fire?". (The flames may have been a tip off.) And ....and, when you show up covered in soot from fighting the fire, with the arms torne off of your suit jacket, Aunt Dorthy will still be pissed because you took so long getting her dinner.

So, Wednesday we will embark into winter storms to visit family, graves, and memories. There are challenges beyond the ice covered hills. We're doomed to slip and slide through the emotional wreckage of this year, but in the end blood is thicker than water. Just like when we last gathered in Memphis, you gotta start in the morning.

Just bite the head off the toad, and have a BloodyMary and everything will be allright.