Is that parsley?

The Mt. bethal Fire Company hosted a wonderful one day event last Saturday. It was a small competition, along the lines of the old Hillsboro competition. It was fun, and we ran across a team we knew. It's always fun to know some of the crazies befor getting down to the cut throat intensity of small time high performance barbeque. So, as usual, the day started with Mimosas and the standard meet inspection. "Ya done this before?". Me,"Yep". "got ice?". Me,"Yep". "good luck.". Me,"thanks!" And the game was afoot. To the sound of Janice Joplin screaming"take a little piece of my heart" from my Ipad, I got the fire going. While I prepped the ribs and chicken, I sang along with the Monkeys as they sang "I'm going to buy me a dog". At this point I paused and noticed that several af the other teams were staring at me. Was it my kilt? We're they admiring Redneck (camo) tartan? Why was the small child crying? Suddenly, it was crystal clear. Since the batteries in my external speaker were exhausted, I was using my ear buds. A number of very adamant contestants confirmed what my wife has said for years. Apparently I do not do justice to Janice Joplin or the Monkeys. Having been thusly enlightened, we hunkered down in true Memphis fashion for a hard run for the money. I switched to Makers Mark, and put the Stones on. We were rocking...and this time, because my bride had arrived with additional supplies, we had batteries for the speaker. Instantly, Landi was a rock star. I had to promise the small child I would not sing along. So, we barbequed, sipped bourbon, and visited with a wonderful bunch of folks. Finally, time for turn in arrived, and we learned a lesson. Everyone who competes in Kansas City Barbeque Society events knows that you can not garnish with Kale. Using Kale gets you an automatic one. As there are three criteria that are judged on a scale of one, the worst, to ten, the best, it is not difficult to determine that a one is catastrophic. As of this writing, both my bride and myself can now tell the difference between Curley Parsely and Kale. Even with getting "ones" for a third of our scores, we finished sixth overall. As with most BBQ competitions, it really became more about making friends than winning. And as I promised so many whom I gave acard to, heres where I barbeque every Wednesday. KC'S Korner is located at 100 Oak tree road in South Plainfield. Y'all come see us!

Units of Measure

It has become apparent to me that not all people in the north are enlightened as to Southern Units of Measure.  I have been here neigh on twenty years, and have completely mastered the yankee language, and have endeavoured to these pagan folks the proper way to speak Mr. Lee's Language, but alas, it is a task meant for Sisyphus.

So, as a primer, let us discuss units of measure.  There are three fundamental units of measure in the Southern Vernacular.  'Aint caught shit', 'a Mess' and 'a shitload'.

'Ain't caught shit' means that you have caught less than a dozen catfish.

'A mess of Catfish' means that you have caught between a dozen and two dozen catfish.  All have to be 2 lbs  or better.

'A shitload' of Catfish means that you have caught more than two dozen catfish.  Anytime you have caught a shitload of Catfish, it is Arkansas state law that you have to buy two cases of beer to feed to your friends who come over to help skin the fish.  You don't even have to be in Arkansas to have that law enforced.

Some things about fishing that may not be apparent to my northern friends should be mentioned at this point.  They need help.  They dont know what night crawlers are.  Night crawlers are worms....not vampires.   Stink bait really does stink.  Bloodbait is really made from blood.  If you are fishing with dynamite, always start the motor before you light the fuse.  A failure to do so frequently results in an abrupt and unpleasant expulsion from the gene pool.

Thus endeth the lesson.