Surprise!

Surprises come in all flavors. Some are good. Some are bad. I remember several years ago on my 40th birthday, Mom and Dad had sneaked into New Jersey for a visit. That was a good surprise. I enjoyed that a lot. Back in 2004, when we were in New Orleans to watch Jordan play soccer for Loyola, we had to cross the Mississippi River via the Huey P. Long Bridge. The Huey P. Long Bridge has two lanes with no apparent means of support, floating in mid-air on either side of train tracks which ran down the center of the bridge structure. It is about 1000 ft above the river and the guard rails that should prevent you from driving off the bridge are about 12 inches high. Hell, I've driven over curbs that were taller. When you are driving in a conversion van, or an SUV, you can not see the guard rail. This was a bad surprise, a very damn bad surprise.

I closed one eye, repented of all my sins, and drove 15 miles an hour right down the center of the two lanes heading west. Traffic quickly backed up behind me, and the people right behind me were honking and flipping me the bird, but I didn't care. With everyone behind me honking, flashing lights, and flipping me the bird, I imagined that it must look like we were leading a parade across the bridge. We survived and I'll never, ever cross that bridge again.

Last week on our return trip from Florida, we were hopeful of avoiding an unpleasantness in terms of breakdowns, bridges or surprises. The Beast (pet name for the Ford Expedition) had performed flawlessly. On the trip down, we got almost 20 miles per gallon, and we figured out how to use the satellite radio. The DVD worked well, and Jordan and Catfish watched movies and studied. The only giant bridge encountered on the way down was skillfully avoided on the return route. The return trip was going alarmingly well. Too well.

On the first day coming home, we drove 540 miles, and got a room at a Marriott hotel in Knoxville, Tennessee. We were exhausted, hungry and thirsty. Landi, Catfish and Jordan went directly to the room with the Bell Hop, while I parked the Beast. When I walked into the lobby of the hotel, I noticed that there were about 200 tables set with beautiful white table clothes, and formal china in readiness for Easter Brunch. I wearily stepped onto the elevator thinking about how nice it would be in the morning if we could be out of here before all that got going. I punch '9' on the controls, and the elevator began to rise. I turned around, and HOLYSHIT YOU CAN SEE OUT OF THIS THING. IT'S ONE OF THOSE GLASS ELEVATORS!!! I was in a glass elevator rising like a rocket toward the 9th floor.

That was ugly surprise number one. As one who has an increasingly profound respect for heights, I was stunned. I was in a glass elevator shooting up at an uncivilized rate of climb heading toward the alpine region of this towering building. My fear turned to absolute panic as we neared the ceiling and I noticed that we were not slowing down and clearly we were going to hit the damn ceiling really hard. I grabbed hold of the hand rails tightly and braced for the collision. I wondered if the doors would open following the impact, or if the elevator would just break away from the elevator 'track' and plummet to the hard tile floor of the hotel lobby. I had visions of all manner of movie scenes where some poor bastard gets dropped from a really high place. Wiley Coyote and Road Runner came to mind, but I had no illusions as to my ability to survive a fall like the coyote.I closed my eyes, and again, repented of my sins.

The collision never came, but ugly surprise number two did. The elevator flew threw the ceiling and emerged into blinding sunlight on the outside wall of the damn hotel and continued slimbing upward like a squirrel on crack.

At this point, I was nearing incontinence. This had been a bad ride. I just wanted off the damn elevator. It was bad enough riding in an elevator inside the building, but this damn thing was now outside the building. Who the hell thought that was a good idea? If I survived this ride, I'd never ride another elevator. Finally, Saints be praised and to the sound of trumpets, the doors of the elevator opened, and I exited the jaws of death. It took a minute to regain my composure and dignity.

I found the hotel room, and went in. I must have looked a little shaken up, because Catfish and Jordan both thought my experience was exceedingly humorous. Funny my ass! I fixed a bourbon. No ice. No water. Just bourbon....a very strong bourbon. I was safe and in the room. I was out of danger.

Landi came out of the rest room, and cheerfully said, "Ok, Let's go down for supper."

I'm gonna need more bourbon.

Third Time's a Charm

I feel a little like Charlie Brown charging up to the football as Lucy holds it. Just like Charlie, I just know it's going to work out ok this time. Nothing bad is going to happen. Everything is as it should be. Here goes...We leave for Florida this morning.

It's pre-dawn here. Ninty nine years ago today, in the dark of the night the Titanic struck an ice burg the size of a city block and sank. Last Februrary, our van lost oil pressure 78 miles into our trip to Jonesboro. In December, the Van's fuel line froze in the middle of an ice storm in southern Virginia. We sold the van.

Today, we prepare to leave in "The Beast". Cars should have names, and this one's name is 'The Beast'. It's a 2008 Black and silver Ford Expedition with 2 1/2 years warranty left on it. The tires are good. The oil is new. The windshield washer reservoir is full. The Port-a-bar is stocked with bourbon and Vodka, and we have wine and Bloodymary mix. We have snacks, and movies, and music. We are ready for a 1200 mile trek to Destin, on the banks of the sea of Wahoo, where there are never any troubles, or at least very few.

Though I'm a blind optimist, I know something is going to happen. No way Charlie kicks the damn ball. As daylight sneaks up on us here in New Jersey and our departure grows near, I know there is an iceberg lurking out there somewhere, but you know what? From my perspective an iceberg is simply free range ice cubes, and I have plenty of bourbon.

Lucy looks up at Charlie and smiles.