A Florida Trip

As we planned our Florida trip, it became clear early on that we would need much more luggage space in the Expedition than we actually have.  With an Expedition, there are two options.  We could buy one of those racks that attaches to the trailer hitch, or we could get a roof top cargo carrier.  After some discussion, we settled on the roof top cargo carrier because it was water proof and lockable.

Day One:  I drove to the sears automotive center and bought a 18 cubic foot hard shell, rear opening, roof top cargo carrier.  It was exactly what I wanted.  The purchase took all of 10 minutes.  I took it home and was happy.

Day Two:   When I attempted to attach the 18 cubic foot, hard shell, rear opening roof top cargo carrier to the Ford Expedition, I discovered that I needed crossbars for the luggage rack, so back to Sears I went.  When I arrived at Sears, I was assisted by the three stooges.  It took super human effort to effectively communicate to them the need for crossbars.  I could see the crossbars in the rack, but I could not buy one.  I needed to buy the rail kit from the dealer,  they said.   I pointed to the rail kit on the Expedition and said "Like that one?".   Yep, the stooges agreed, like that one, but you need to get it from the dealer.  Why do I need to get it from the dealer?   The Dealer doesn't sell 18 cu ft, hard shell, rear opening, car top cargo carriers.  I need cross bars.  Yes, the stooges agreed, and said I needed a rail kit.  I looked out at the Expedition, and pointed at it and said "Like that one?".  "Yes", came the answer.

I got a refund and left.  No worries, I still have several days until we leave

Day three:  I drove to Pep Boys.  They are a north east regional car care chain best known for their customer service.    The young sales associate listened eagerly as I recounted my encounter with the stooges, and detailed my efforts to buy a rail kit for a hard shell roof top cargo carrier, and I was swiftly escorted to the area of the store where they had cargo carriers on display.  Again, I selected an 18 cu ft, hard shell, rear opening, roof top cargo carrier, and the rail kit necessary for mounting it "car top".  Amazed at the prompt, courteous and expert assistance, I immediately purchased the cargo carrier ($119), and the rail kit ($200), and headed home.

Day four:  Eager to attach the cargo carrier before the weather turned bad, I went to work.  I opened the rail kit and read it while sipping coffee.  "This", the instructions began,"car top rail kit is designed to support up to 150 lbs of evenly distributed weight.". The opperative words are "car top", and they should not be confused with "SUV top".

I returned to Pep Boys where yet another young and enthusiastic sales associate eagerly helped me.  I exchanged the "car top" kit for the "SUV top" kit and returned home.

Day five:  I brought the "SUV top" kit into the kitchen.  I poured a cup of coffee and began reading the instructions.  "This rail kit", the instructions began "will work with most SUV and Van cargo rails.".  In this case, the opperative word was "most".  "Most" is not "all".  Apparently, the Ford Expedition is why they say "Most" and not "All".  I poured two shots of bourbon into my coffee cup.

My wife, who has patiently witnessed this struggle over the last five days, was fighting to control her emotions at this point.  She was quivering, and was struggling to maintain her composure until she just couldn't.  I don't know if I was more hurt by the realization that she had found so much humor in my struggle, or the knowledge that the reason she was laughing so hard was that my only avenue that offered any hope of successfully attaching the cargo carrier to the Expedition was that which was first suggested by the three stooges nearly a week prior. 

Day six:  I called the dealer, and without going into the gory details of my struggle, explained that I was attempting to attach a roof top cardo carrier to my Expedition.  "You're gonna need the crossbar kit.", the parts man matter of factly said.  My hopes raised, "Do you have them?", I asked.  "Nope", came the answer.  My spirits crashed.  "I can have it here tomorrow morning", he said sending my spirits soaring.  I think I may be becoming Manic Depressive. 

Day seven:  I arrived at the Ford dealership at 9:00, and the crossbar kit was indeed there, and it was nearly $100 LESS than the cross bar kits I had been working with.  I feared the worst.  Nothing you buy from a dealer ever costs less than aftermarket stuff.  Nothing, and yet, the cross bar kit was.  I was convinced it would not fit, or it would be broken, or just be a nightmare in some other way

Day eight: No hardware.  The damn 18 cu.ft hard shell, rear opening, car top cargo carrier didn't have the necessary hardware to attach it to the stinking cross bars.  I returned to Pep Boys.  I explained I needed the U-bolt kit to attach the cargo carrier to the rails.  "They aren't supposed to go on rails.", the sales associate from the other side of the stinking world said to me with complete assurance.  "Yes, they are.", I countered.  "I've had one before."  "No longer.  It isn't done that way any more.  You must use a strap on.", he said as only a low functioning moron from the other side the world could say.  "So, why does the picture on the G** D**M box show it mounted on cross bars on a Ford f****g Expedition?", I said while wondering how long I would go to jail if I choked him.  "I will have to investigate.", he said and he disappeared into the back room.   "Investigate?"  Its a stinking parts store not a crime scene.  I should have choked him when I had the chance.  Of course, then it would have been a crime scene, and there would have been an investigation, but I digress.

While waiting for him to reappear, I walked over to the display area for the cargo carriers.  Rummaging around, I found the U-Bolt kit.  I decided to buy the U-bolt kit and to let my friend from the other side of the stinking world live.

I am eight days into putting a cargo carrier on my Expedition.  I have bought and returned two cargo carriers, and two sets of rails  I have an assembled cargo carrier, and the U-bolt kit to attach it with. It's 10 till 2:00 and I need to go get Becki at school before I attach the cargo carrier to the expedition.  I walk out to get in the Expedition, and I notice it's begining to snow again....and...I have a flat.