When she was just a baby, I used to look out over the rice fields from my perch on Crowley's Ridge and pray that she would grow up knowing that there was a whole world out there full of challenge and excitement. I wanted her to know that Paris was the city of lights in Europe, but Beirut was it's counterpart in the Middle East. I wanted her to know that while Memphis dry rub was the way to do ribs, the Carolina's really have pulled pork down right. I wanted her to sing the songs of Hank Jr., Elvis, the Boss, and Lynyrd Skynyrd with equal passion. It was important to me that she know the difference between Kentucky Bourbon and Tennessee Whiskey.
At 13, she transitioned from a tiny school in a tiny town in Arkansas to a pointy headed private school in New Jersey. She didn't know a soul here except for Landi, Catfish, Buckwheat and me. She had never lived through a 'jersey winter', but she had survived many an Arkansas summer. She had never even seen a soccer game played when she went out for the soccer team at school. Four years later, the pointey headed private school awarded her the Wigdon Cup which recognized the Most Athletic girl.
The first week of August her first year of college brought good news and bad news. The good news was that she had 'made the soccer team' at college. The bad news was that Katrina was coming in, and that New Orleans was evacuating. She wound up never playing college soccer, but she graduated with Honors from Tulane, and got a full ride scholarship to UMASS for her Masters.
She has her Masters degree, and she'll be 24 years old in September. She has a job lined up in Indianapolis, and will move there next month. It's just now soaking in that 'Indianapolis' will be 'home' for her. It's not like the time in college, when she's gone, but 'here' is still 'home'. 'Home' will be 'there', in Indianapolis. Mapquest claims it's 11 hours and 35 minutes away. That's a long way.
I'd like to visit the spot on Crowley's Ridge where I used to stand and look out over the rice fields. This time of year, you can see the farmers working the fields. From up on the ridge, it looks like nothing has changed in the last 24 years, but so much has changed. She has seen the lights of Paris and grandeur that was Rome. She has shopped the bustling, dusty markets of a North African town. She's stood on Times Square to welcome the New Year. She'll holler 'Hotty Toddy' or 'Go Yankees' with equal vigor. She can speak to you in English, French or Arabic. She's all grown up now, and I am so very proud, but she'll always be my little girl.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
A Public Service Message
One of the hazards of being sentenced to lose weight is that you have to modify your lifestyle. In addition to giving up Bourbon until I hit the proscribed weight, I have taken up using our treadmill. Unlike in the past when I tried jogging on the damn thing, this time I am adopting a more sane approach. I set a minimum time, and a minimum distance and I do at least that time and distance each day. Some days I go further, and others I just do the minimum. On all days, while walking on the treadmill, there is ample time for thought.
An idle mind is a dangerous thing. An idle mind trapped in a wheezing fat man's body sweating gravy on a treadmill is a very dangerous thing. Today, for example, rather than dwelling on whether or not my heart rate was actually 188 as reported by my treadmill monitor, my mind wandered back to a recent dispute with the good people at Travelocity. There was a problem with a ticket I had purchased, and I had to call Travelocity customer service. The customer service organization at Travelocity is not designed to solve your problem. It is designed to beat you. This posting is a tutorial on how to 'win' when dealing with a customer service organization designed to 'beat you'.
The first thing to know is that you will no be speaking with the company you thought you were calling bu that you will be talking to a call center company and the agent you speak with will be compensated based on his/her ability to close calls. That means they want you to hang up. The more calls they close in an hour, the better they get 'bonused'. The longer you keep them on the phone, the more 'bonus' money they lose. So, start the call by carefully, completely and politely explaining the problem to them. Keep in mind that nearly every call is recorded, so be nice, and make notes about the persons responses to your questions. If the agent will not resolve the issue, ask for the supervisor. The agent may not want to pass you to the supervisor, but be persistent. The agent may tell you the supervisor isn't available. Remember, their goal is to get you to hang up. The agent may offer to have the supervisor call you. Tell the agent you will hold, and be prepared to wait about ten minutes.
Eventually the supervisor will come on the line. The supervisor's bonus package will be a factor of their ability to motivate their people to close calls, and their ability to close 'troublesome' calls. Time is a factor, so you will want to start from the beginning and again completely, honestly and politely explain the problem and the first agent's efforts. Refer to your notes if you need to. In my case, I had caught the original agent in a lie, and I told the supervisor that I had. Stay polite, accurate, and persistent. At the supervisor level, their motivation is still to get you off the phone, so no matter what, stay on 'message' and do not let them get you off the phone. When it becomes apparent that they are not going 'solve' your problem, as to be passed on to the supervisor's management. They are not going to want to do this, so you may have to apply additional pressure. I was able to figure out when they had hit the end of their script, so I told them we were in a 'loop' and to pass me up the chain of command.
It's helpful to know that usually the supervisor will not actually have the authority to solve your problem, and solving your problem will not be his goal. His goal is to get you off the phone. You have to get to the supervisor's management, and to do this you 'play' to the recording. Trouble calls will be played back by management, and sometimes even reviewed by the 'real' company you thought you were calling. Put your self in the shoes of the call center company, and think about what they would not want their client hearing. I told the supervisor that at some point I was going to encounter someone who actually cared if I ever bought another ticket using Travelocity. I got passed up the chain of command. Again, don't let them call you back, stay on the phone, and be prepared to wait another ten minutes.
Continue this exercise until you get someone who is actually in the United States. Only at that point will you have transitioned from the call center people to people who actually work for the company you thought you called. You will notice a definite difference. If necessary to verify that you are actually speaking to someone in the US, ask them where they are. When they answer, simply ask how the weather is today. Simple question, unless you aren't actually where you say you are. You can verify weather conditions anywhere using weather.com. When you get to the US side of things, your problem can and will be solved.
I would argue that it is your responsibility to use this technique at every opportunity because if you 'beat' them, at some point even the corporate ivy league pinhead bastards who thought that outsourcing customer service into a country whose culture is to 'game' the system will realize that this just isn't working. Whether it's HP Technical Support, Travelocity Customer Service, Dell Customer Support, you can get your problem solved. Just don't hang up.
In the interest of full disclosure, I used to work for the world's 3rd largest Call Center operations company. That's how I know how 'they' work. Now you know how 'they' work. So ,next time you have to call customer support or service, get a note pad, a nice big glass of tea, and be prepared to spend an hour or two. Be nice, polite, accurate and persistent. If it's not worth and hour or two of your time, then don't bother to call because you won't win.
The preceding has been a public service message brought to you by the Leady Meat Company. For meat you can't beat, it's Leady Meat.
If you hang up, the terrorists win.
An idle mind is a dangerous thing. An idle mind trapped in a wheezing fat man's body sweating gravy on a treadmill is a very dangerous thing. Today, for example, rather than dwelling on whether or not my heart rate was actually 188 as reported by my treadmill monitor, my mind wandered back to a recent dispute with the good people at Travelocity. There was a problem with a ticket I had purchased, and I had to call Travelocity customer service. The customer service organization at Travelocity is not designed to solve your problem. It is designed to beat you. This posting is a tutorial on how to 'win' when dealing with a customer service organization designed to 'beat you'.
The first thing to know is that you will no be speaking with the company you thought you were calling bu that you will be talking to a call center company and the agent you speak with will be compensated based on his/her ability to close calls. That means they want you to hang up. The more calls they close in an hour, the better they get 'bonused'. The longer you keep them on the phone, the more 'bonus' money they lose. So, start the call by carefully, completely and politely explaining the problem to them. Keep in mind that nearly every call is recorded, so be nice, and make notes about the persons responses to your questions. If the agent will not resolve the issue, ask for the supervisor. The agent may not want to pass you to the supervisor, but be persistent. The agent may tell you the supervisor isn't available. Remember, their goal is to get you to hang up. The agent may offer to have the supervisor call you. Tell the agent you will hold, and be prepared to wait about ten minutes.
Eventually the supervisor will come on the line. The supervisor's bonus package will be a factor of their ability to motivate their people to close calls, and their ability to close 'troublesome' calls. Time is a factor, so you will want to start from the beginning and again completely, honestly and politely explain the problem and the first agent's efforts. Refer to your notes if you need to. In my case, I had caught the original agent in a lie, and I told the supervisor that I had. Stay polite, accurate, and persistent. At the supervisor level, their motivation is still to get you off the phone, so no matter what, stay on 'message' and do not let them get you off the phone. When it becomes apparent that they are not going 'solve' your problem, as to be passed on to the supervisor's management. They are not going to want to do this, so you may have to apply additional pressure. I was able to figure out when they had hit the end of their script, so I told them we were in a 'loop' and to pass me up the chain of command.
It's helpful to know that usually the supervisor will not actually have the authority to solve your problem, and solving your problem will not be his goal. His goal is to get you off the phone. You have to get to the supervisor's management, and to do this you 'play' to the recording. Trouble calls will be played back by management, and sometimes even reviewed by the 'real' company you thought you were calling. Put your self in the shoes of the call center company, and think about what they would not want their client hearing. I told the supervisor that at some point I was going to encounter someone who actually cared if I ever bought another ticket using Travelocity. I got passed up the chain of command. Again, don't let them call you back, stay on the phone, and be prepared to wait another ten minutes.
Continue this exercise until you get someone who is actually in the United States. Only at that point will you have transitioned from the call center people to people who actually work for the company you thought you called. You will notice a definite difference. If necessary to verify that you are actually speaking to someone in the US, ask them where they are. When they answer, simply ask how the weather is today. Simple question, unless you aren't actually where you say you are. You can verify weather conditions anywhere using weather.com. When you get to the US side of things, your problem can and will be solved.
I would argue that it is your responsibility to use this technique at every opportunity because if you 'beat' them, at some point even the corporate ivy league pinhead bastards who thought that outsourcing customer service into a country whose culture is to 'game' the system will realize that this just isn't working. Whether it's HP Technical Support, Travelocity Customer Service, Dell Customer Support, you can get your problem solved. Just don't hang up.
In the interest of full disclosure, I used to work for the world's 3rd largest Call Center operations company. That's how I know how 'they' work. Now you know how 'they' work. So ,next time you have to call customer support or service, get a note pad, a nice big glass of tea, and be prepared to spend an hour or two. Be nice, polite, accurate and persistent. If it's not worth and hour or two of your time, then don't bother to call because you won't win.
The preceding has been a public service message brought to you by the Leady Meat Company. For meat you can't beat, it's Leady Meat.
If you hang up, the terrorists win.
Monday, May 9, 2011
I'm Fat.
There must be a class in Medical School where they teach young doctors to give that 'look'. It's a serious look...with the brow sort of crunched just a little. It's an eye ball to eye ball look. No kidding around, looking away, or mumbling. When you get that 'look', you just know the doc is about to tell you something horrible. I guess in Med School they teach them to 'just spit it out'; "just say it'.
And so he did. Dr. Frankenstein, standing there in a white jacket with his name on it, looked me right square in the eye, and in a solemn and measured voice, delivered the words everyone my age dreads hearing: "Bill, the problem is that your are just too damn fat."
Somewhat take aback, I replied testily "So what? You're ugly. What's your point?"
"Seriously", Doctor Frankenstein continued, "You need to lose about 15 or 20 lbs. before I can do the surgery."
"You'll still be ugly.", I thought to my self.
Having been down the surgery 'road' before, I did not fall for his misdirection. Hell, Stevie Wonder can tell I'm fat. Here's the deal...when they want to cut you open and root around with your insides, they want to give you something else to think about rather than how much pain you are going to experience as a result of their 'fix' of what ever you have wrong with you.
Case in point. A few years ago, when I blew out my ACL, tore my meniscus, and broke my tibia, it took a lot of effort to get the knee fixed. First, the doctors said I was too old, that people my age don't really 'need' and ACL. To me, an ACL isn't optional equipment. I play soccer. I ski. I run to the bathroom. So, I told the good doctor I wanted the damn thing fixed anyway. So we scheduled the surgery. I was in the ready room when the gass-passer hit's the 'stop button'. The anesthesiologist didn't like my blood pressure or my thyroid. It took two months to get the blood pressure and thyroid issues resolved. During this two month period, because I had a great deal of difficulty walking, and was in a fair amount of pain, I was focused on getting the blood pressure and thyroid in line for the day of the surgery. I wasn't thinking about the 'day after surgery'. I was so focused on getting the surgery done that I didn't ask the most important question. I just wanted the damn surgery done.
Note to self: Think about the day after surgery. That's a very important day because the hospital pain meds will be worn off, and you be using Percocets. Think about that day. Never let some doc fussing about your age, or your blood pressure or your thyroid distract your attention away from one critically important question: "How much is this going to hurt?"
Beware! "We'll give you pain meds." is not an answer. It's part of a grand strategy for an ambush.
Here's how it works. Following surgery, you are in more pain that can be described using the English language. They have cut open the front of you knee, and using power tools or explosives, they have removed the center third of the petalar tendon. They break out the ole Black and Decker drill and, usually using a worn out wood bit, they bore a hole through your femur and one through your tibia. Next they take a coat hanger or something, and they poke the sliver of tendon through both of these holes to create a new ACL for you. You wake up, with your knee immobilized in a big ass brace that has two hinges right at knee level. Take special note of how to lock and unlock the hinges. If you fail to lock the hinges, movement of even .01 degree in the knee will bring you to new heights of unimaginable pain.
They give you "Pain Meds". Percocets, they are, and they have two distinct effects. One is to relive pain, and the other is to shut your guts down. I ate them like popcorn. The pain relief is marginal at best, but the cessation of the colo-rectal function is complete and absolute. Everything in your digestive tract stops moving just prior to its 'leaving the building' so to speak. You still get hungry. You still eat, but Elvis isn't leaving the building, if you know what I mean. Because you are looped on Percs, you don't notice for 3 or 4 days that you've apparently and miraculously been impregnated, and that what ever you are going to give birth to is going to be big. Anyone who has given birth to a large piece of firewood will never take percocets again, and the medical theory is that you'll remember the pain of childbirth instead of the pain from the surgery. It's an evil strategy.
So, now Dr. Frankenstein wants to open me up like a butterflied pork chop and rearrange my innards. He's doing that doctor 'look'. He's very serious. He's offering to gut me, for a price of course, and I suspect there is a lot of pain involved in this.
"How much is this going to hurt?", I ask, trying not to sound scared.
"We'll give you pain meds, but you've got to lose 15lbs.", Dr. Frankenstein replies.
"How much is this going to hurt?", I repeat, not falling for the misdirection.
The doctor isn't playing around. He goes for my jugular. "The easiest way for someone your age to lose weight is to cut down on your drinking.", he says without blinking. He expects this to shake me, for my love of bourbon is legend, but I don't take the bait.
"How much is this going to hurt?" I press on.
"Hurt? Not much.", he finally replies.
"Really?" I exclaim, with obvious relief.
"No...not really.", he smiled, "I can give you some pain meds."
And so he did. Dr. Frankenstein, standing there in a white jacket with his name on it, looked me right square in the eye, and in a solemn and measured voice, delivered the words everyone my age dreads hearing: "Bill, the problem is that your are just too damn fat."
Somewhat take aback, I replied testily "So what? You're ugly. What's your point?"
"Seriously", Doctor Frankenstein continued, "You need to lose about 15 or 20 lbs. before I can do the surgery."
"You'll still be ugly.", I thought to my self.
Having been down the surgery 'road' before, I did not fall for his misdirection. Hell, Stevie Wonder can tell I'm fat. Here's the deal...when they want to cut you open and root around with your insides, they want to give you something else to think about rather than how much pain you are going to experience as a result of their 'fix' of what ever you have wrong with you.
Case in point. A few years ago, when I blew out my ACL, tore my meniscus, and broke my tibia, it took a lot of effort to get the knee fixed. First, the doctors said I was too old, that people my age don't really 'need' and ACL. To me, an ACL isn't optional equipment. I play soccer. I ski. I run to the bathroom. So, I told the good doctor I wanted the damn thing fixed anyway. So we scheduled the surgery. I was in the ready room when the gass-passer hit's the 'stop button'. The anesthesiologist didn't like my blood pressure or my thyroid. It took two months to get the blood pressure and thyroid issues resolved. During this two month period, because I had a great deal of difficulty walking, and was in a fair amount of pain, I was focused on getting the blood pressure and thyroid in line for the day of the surgery. I wasn't thinking about the 'day after surgery'. I was so focused on getting the surgery done that I didn't ask the most important question. I just wanted the damn surgery done.
Note to self: Think about the day after surgery. That's a very important day because the hospital pain meds will be worn off, and you be using Percocets. Think about that day. Never let some doc fussing about your age, or your blood pressure or your thyroid distract your attention away from one critically important question: "How much is this going to hurt?"
Beware! "We'll give you pain meds." is not an answer. It's part of a grand strategy for an ambush.
Here's how it works. Following surgery, you are in more pain that can be described using the English language. They have cut open the front of you knee, and using power tools or explosives, they have removed the center third of the petalar tendon. They break out the ole Black and Decker drill and, usually using a worn out wood bit, they bore a hole through your femur and one through your tibia. Next they take a coat hanger or something, and they poke the sliver of tendon through both of these holes to create a new ACL for you. You wake up, with your knee immobilized in a big ass brace that has two hinges right at knee level. Take special note of how to lock and unlock the hinges. If you fail to lock the hinges, movement of even .01 degree in the knee will bring you to new heights of unimaginable pain.
They give you "Pain Meds". Percocets, they are, and they have two distinct effects. One is to relive pain, and the other is to shut your guts down. I ate them like popcorn. The pain relief is marginal at best, but the cessation of the colo-rectal function is complete and absolute. Everything in your digestive tract stops moving just prior to its 'leaving the building' so to speak. You still get hungry. You still eat, but Elvis isn't leaving the building, if you know what I mean. Because you are looped on Percs, you don't notice for 3 or 4 days that you've apparently and miraculously been impregnated, and that what ever you are going to give birth to is going to be big. Anyone who has given birth to a large piece of firewood will never take percocets again, and the medical theory is that you'll remember the pain of childbirth instead of the pain from the surgery. It's an evil strategy.
So, now Dr. Frankenstein wants to open me up like a butterflied pork chop and rearrange my innards. He's doing that doctor 'look'. He's very serious. He's offering to gut me, for a price of course, and I suspect there is a lot of pain involved in this.
"How much is this going to hurt?", I ask, trying not to sound scared.
"We'll give you pain meds, but you've got to lose 15lbs.", Dr. Frankenstein replies.
"How much is this going to hurt?", I repeat, not falling for the misdirection.
The doctor isn't playing around. He goes for my jugular. "The easiest way for someone your age to lose weight is to cut down on your drinking.", he says without blinking. He expects this to shake me, for my love of bourbon is legend, but I don't take the bait.
"How much is this going to hurt?" I press on.
"Hurt? Not much.", he finally replies.
"Really?" I exclaim, with obvious relief.
"No...not really.", he smiled, "I can give you some pain meds."
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