A Free Man

Long ago and far away, well, actually a couple of weeks ago, and right here, we prepared for our Christmas trek to Arkansas, with a follow up journey to New Orleans for Jordans engagment party.  While a Ford Expedition is a large vehicle, it becomes somewhat clausterphobic when you stuff gifts for three generations of Garners, and 4 human beings along with all their baggage into it.  Fortunately, as you will recall, I purchased a SUV Top Carrier last spring, so we were able to wedge our gifts, our luggage, and our selves into the Beast for the journey.

No journey is complete without a mishap of some sort.  Several years ago, you may recall my report that, on a biterly cold and very wet and windy day, my bride slamed the car door, trapping my hand.  That was just as pleasent as it sounds.   A year after that, you might recall that on another journey,  in the pre-dawn darkness as I tried to quietly leave the hotel room for morning coffee, I discovered the ironing board had been laid down, creating a barrier so our dog could not get to the door to bark.  I tripped over the ironing board, and slammed both shins on to the metal edge of the ironing board.  That's a pain that will take your breath away.  Have you ever crossed the Huey P. Long Bridge in New Orleans?  Try it in a Conversion Van.  The two lane highway was added to the damn bridge as an afterthought, and is held up by hope and prayer.  Because the van sets so high, it completely obscures your view of the incredibly low 'guard rails'.  I hyperventilate just thinking about going over that bridge again.  We drove 50 miles our of our way to avoid crossing it again.  One of my favourite trips was when we stayed in a hotel with the glass elevator that goes through the roof and climbs up the outside of the damn hotel.  I nearly wet my pants.  No summary of trips is complete without mentioning ice storms and dead conversion vans in Virginia.

So, I get nervous when we prepare to travel.  I know something is going to happen.  I know it's going to involve me, and it will either hurt like hell or scare the bejesus out of me.  In either case, my immediate family always finds great humor in what ever it is that befalls me.

The friday before we were scheduled to leave for Arkansas, I decided to have the Beast cleaned.   There is a car wash across South Plainfied that I usually go to, so after dropping the kids off at school, I worked my way across town.  The traffic was heavy because of school.  I drove slowly and weaved through.  One block from the car wash, a small Nissan car darted in front of me.  I was going slow anyway because I knew this was a place where cars dart.  I almost got the beast stopped.  When the collision became inevitable, I braced and closed my eyes.  In my mind, I was thinking "Ok...this is where the damn airbag punches me in the face, breaks my nose, and gives me two black eyes just in time for Christmas".  Because things were now moving in slow motion, I had time for a second thought.  It occurred to me that we were going to have to rent a car to go to Jonesboro and New Orleans because this one was going to be laid up.  Damn Damn Damn.  However, because I was going slow, and reacted quickly with the brakes, I thought I might get the Beast stopped before contact.  It was going to be close.  It was 'close',  but not quite.

Finally the collision came....."CRUNCH"...without an exclamation point.

No Airbag deployment!   Wahoooo!!!!!  No airbag, no punch in the face, no black eyes, no dust and powder all through the car.

I got out of the car and inspected the damage.  Plastic was cracked and bent and torn, but nothing leaking, and no hissing sounds.  I called 911 to report the accident.

Less than an hour later, the cop was finished with the accident report and I was on my way.  As I drove away from the scene of the crash, I realized that I was going to have a wonderful trip to Arkansas.    My new friend driving the Nissan, however, wasn't quite as happy as me.  He 'no hablias anglais', and he "no have the driving license".  Bad things were just starting to happen to him, but me?  My "bad thing" was done.  It was history!  No pain, no fear!  I was a free man!  I was now free to enjoy the trip to Arkansas and New Orleans without wondering what horrible thing was going to happen to me.

Merry Christmas to all and a very Happy New Year!