The Roaming Gnome of Dutch Springs

In the begining, he was a lonely gnome with little in the way of outside interests.  Over coffee with a friend one morning, he hatched a daring plot.  While all his friends were consigned to a sedentary, pedestrian life in flower gardens he yearned for something more, something exciting.  But what?  What else is there in the life of garden gnome other than gophers, bird crap, and petunias?

Suddenly, he had a thought....

Waldo, the gnome, hitched a ride out of New Jersey.  Anywhere, he thought, would be better than a garden in New Jersey...but he was wrong.  As he sat on the engine of the sunken Cessna, he thought to himself, "Well, now it can't get any worse."

And, once again, he was wrong.   Waldo found himself sitting in a sunken boat 65 feet below the cold waters of a Pennslyvania rock quarry.  For months, divers from all over the North East traveled to Dutch Springs to see the Waldo the roaming gnome of Dutch springs.  Many divers took Waldo to see the many attractions that have been placed in the quarry, but none would remove him from his watery prison.  Finally, Waldo disappeared.  For weeks, no one reported seeing him.  Numerous dives were made to search for the gnome, but all failed.   Hope for finding Waldo was fading, and then the Jazz man arrived.

Some men aspire to greatness.  Others have it thrust upon them, and this man found it 60 feet beneath the surface.  While peering into the bottom of the engine cowling of Helldiver sunk in the quarry, he saw the waving arms and heard the faint cries of Waldo as he frantically signalled for help.  Rescued at last! 

But, Waldo still felt all alone.  After months beneath the waters of the quarry, he felt like something was missing from his life.  He left the quarry, and retired to the Jersey Shore for some sea food, but still something was missing.  Something just wasn't right.  It haunted him, night and day, a profound emptiness.

One day, from across the bar a trio of lovely ladies spied the lonly gnonme drinking alone and cautiously approached him.  "Are you", they shyly asked, "The Roaming Gnome of Dutch Springs?"

Suddenly he knew what he had been longing for.  He knew what had been missing from his life.  Women!  For the rest of the night, the trio of lovelies and Waldo sang and danced and laughed!  Life was good again.  It just couldn't get any better than this!  Waldo likes the ladies!

Waldo, had a bad feeling.  Things were going to well.  A familiar hand grasped him, and lifted him away.  He had a gloomy sense of deja vu.

Have you ever heard a gnome cuss?

Twenty Years Ago

Some years ago, when I first moved to Pennslyvania, I lived in a haunted house.  The ghost was a young lady who had been an employee in the house during Prohibition when the house hosted a fairly exclusive brothel.  Apparently, she became somewhat disgruntled, and hung herself in what was now my apartment.  Rent was low, and I figured that if the place was haunted, I should make friends with the ghost so that maybe she wouldn't bother me.  I called her"Bonnie", and I used to greet her when I came home, and say goodby when I left.

Life was interesting.  Being newly divorced, I owned a couch, a computer, an iron and ironing board, and about a thousand books.  I was working at Air Products and Chemicals, and stopped at the same pub after work each day for a beer.  It was a simple existence, I thought.


So, naturally I met a girl.  She was a pretty little blond with sparkling blue eyes that twinkled when she smiled.  The morning after our first date, a blind date, I called to ask her out for real.  She told me she would love to go out with me, but only after I got a hair cut.   I figured that would be ok....it had been nearly a year since I had had a hair cut.


We dated a couple of months, and she handled being introduced to Bonnie ok.  To me, being able to handle certain levels of insanity is a good thing.  I called home to tell mom and dad that I had met a girl.


"Son, you can't marry all of them.", my father warned.  


So I planned a trip to Arkansas for my pretty blond to meet Mom and Dad, my brother and his family, and my sister and her family.  At the same time, I began to try to prepare my blond for a slightly elevated level of insanity.  Try as I might, I knew I wasn't getting through.  She just didn't believe me.


So, we make the flight to Memphis, and drive to Jonesboro for dinner at Mom and Dads house.  Mom pulled out all the stops.  Dinner in the dining room was unbelievable!  Steak with a baked potato and a beautiful salad.  A very nice red wine was served with dinner.  The conversation during dinner was pleasant, polite, and fun.


Post dinner cocktail in hand, dad smiled, and sat back in his chair.  He looked at my pretty little blond and very casually, and in incredible detail, recalled ever girl I had ever dated, and explained what was wrong with each one.  Mom was clearing the table during all this.  I looked at dad, but he never looked at me.  He and my blond were in deep conversation.  Neither was paying me any mind at all.  This wasn't very much fun for me, but both of them were enjoying it.  Mom relieved that dad was behaving himself.  Finally, as he finished discussing my last marriage, I thought my suffering might soon be over, but I was wrong.


Dad looked at my pretty blond, and said, "so, Miss Landi, just what the hell is wrong with you?"


"BILL!", Mom shouted above the crash of the plate she just dropped.


Landi's eyes sparkled, and with a smile nearly containing laughter, "Not one damn thing, Daddydoc!"


Dad snickered, Landi laughed, and I knew I had found a very special girl.  






Wh