Labor Day Barbeque Advice

Where I grew up, it's still hot. Labor Day was always hot. Hell, it's gonna be hot down there for another month or two. And the skeeters are as big as rabid flying vampire turkeys. They rove in flocks so thick they can blot out the sun and cause a mini-eclipse. I've seen small cars completely demolished simply by driving into a flock of mosquitoes....or rabid vampire turkeys. While skeeters don't officially celebrate labor day the way we do, they do a pretty good impression of Thanksgiving....only we're what's for dinner.

So, the first bit of wisdom for Labor Day is to start the day right. Neither skeeters nor turkey's like the taste of bourbon, so first thing in the morning, have a nice tall bourbon and water to start the day right. If it looks like it might be hot, have two just in case. Keep the bottle handy for emergency application.

Second, get ready for the barbeque. Remember, you don't barbeque burgers, steaks, hotdogs or veggie burgers. Those are grilled and given to the kids. If you are doing a shoulder, drink a lot right now because everyone is goingto be pissed when you tell them the shoulder isn't done. It's not going to get done today. It's too damn late to do a shoulder. You should have started your shoulder yesterday. If you're doing ribs or yardbird, you still ok...for now.

Build a fire, but be careful doing it. Since you've been drinking since dawn, accidental fires are a real threat and generally piss off your wife and the neighbors. After building the fire, you should probably skip marching in any parades. In addition to being drunk, somehow you've probably managed to burn your eyebrows off, and get covered with soot.

Once the fire gets right, check for skeeters, and take more anti-skeeter medicine. Put what ever it is you're barbequing, on the grill in the smoker. Notice that when you put something on the grill in the smoker, you're going to smoke what's on the grill, but you're not going to grill it. To grill it, you'd put it on the grill on the grill. This isn't grill, it's a smoker. Have more bourbon.
It get's easier.

Now, take a nap. It's labor day. It's ok to take a nap before noon on labor day when you're fighing skeeters, rabid vampire turkeys, and barbequing ribs. It's the American way.