Though some of us may be late, I believe that it is of the utmost importance that the Dead Cow Society gather immediately to discuss the latest assault on our carnivours activity. Not too many years ago, you will remember, lying bastards were warning us about 'Mad Cow' disease. What they failed to tell us was that they were actually trying to warn the world about one of my xwives. Now we are being bombarded with information about something called 'the Pig Flu'. Again, we are being mislead.
The whole uproar is the result of an argument about baseball in Mexico City brothel.
My brother was there. What he said happened was that the piano player, apparently an older gentleman with a touch of Atlizhimers, was talking baseball with some visiting politicians, and the piano player said that pigs would fly when Boston won the Series.
At this point, a Boston fan who was employed at the brothel, blew beer our her nose, and screamed at the piano player "They've won twice in the last 5 years, you moron!", everyone laughted. The piano player, being somewhat hard of hearing, missed what was said and asked the bar tender what was going on..and the bartender say...'nothing, but I think the pig flew"
So, thursday, 6:30 at the Outback on 22. Help us help ourselves to dead cow and liquor.
oh..yeah..Boston sucks.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sacrifice and Penitence
With Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday behind us, each of us must now contend with our own forty days of sacrifice and penitence. Forty days...and nights. Just two days less than six weeks. Not much time, when you think about it. It's time to reflect, to turn inward a bit and examine ourselves.
I do this every year. On Ash Wednesday, I get up early, and look at the world around me. If I'm not in a jail cell in New Orleans, then we're off to a good start. Next, I look at myself closely in the mirror. If I don't find a wound or a new tattoo somewhere, the day is starting to look good.
After a cup of coffee, and the haze of morning has been somewhat lifted, I consider what I have given up for Lent. Some years, the sacrifice is more difficult than others. Once, not realizing that St.Patrick's Day is during Lent, I gave up cabbage. Damn.
This year, after due consideration, I've decided to give up Makers Mark. It's my current favorite bourbon. As most everyone knows, I will not drink that crap from Tennessee, and I've never been a fan of Scotch. I can no longer drink beer because it contains gluten. Since I don't have any hand guns, Tequila isn't near as much fun as it used to be.
It's going to be a long forty days and forty nights.
Thank God for Knob Creek.
I do this every year. On Ash Wednesday, I get up early, and look at the world around me. If I'm not in a jail cell in New Orleans, then we're off to a good start. Next, I look at myself closely in the mirror. If I don't find a wound or a new tattoo somewhere, the day is starting to look good.
After a cup of coffee, and the haze of morning has been somewhat lifted, I consider what I have given up for Lent. Some years, the sacrifice is more difficult than others. Once, not realizing that St.Patrick's Day is during Lent, I gave up cabbage. Damn.
This year, after due consideration, I've decided to give up Makers Mark. It's my current favorite bourbon. As most everyone knows, I will not drink that crap from Tennessee, and I've never been a fan of Scotch. I can no longer drink beer because it contains gluten. Since I don't have any hand guns, Tequila isn't near as much fun as it used to be.
It's going to be a long forty days and forty nights.
Thank God for Knob Creek.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
It's all clear now...
Finally, the vodka kicked in. Here are our known dates....We are not firmly committed to Keansburg, but we are to Central Jersey .
May 30 - Keansburg Fire Company "Smoke Condition"
June 20 - Central Jersey Fireman's Cook-off
Now, back to work...
May 30 - Keansburg Fire Company "Smoke Condition"
June 20 - Central Jersey Fireman's Cook-off
Now, back to work...
Correction...
Ladies, Gents, and Cory,
The date of the Central Jersey Fireman's Cook-off at Hillsborough is May 30.
I appologize for any confusion. I sent the earlier email before my first bloodymary.
The date of the Central Jersey Fireman's Cook-off at Hillsborough is May 30.
I appologize for any confusion. I sent the earlier email before my first bloodymary.
The Year of the Pig
Ladies, Gentlemen, and Cory,Via the miracle of internet communications, our good friends at the Hillsborough Fire Company have made known to me their intention to once again conduct the Central Jersey Firemans Cook-off. This event will be held on July 20, at the fire house. This event will be limited to 30 teams and is a one day event.
This event has been good to us in the past. We won second place for ribs one year, and third place for yard bird another. It's close to home, and we always see old friends from past competitions, and generally have a hell of a good time. Because I have stayed out of trouble all winter long, I believe that we will have a very good year this year because I must have accumulated a lot of good karma and powerful Juju. For this reason, I anticipate winning.
We'll be registered for this event today, so mark your calendars., buy your bourbon, clean your kilt and get ready. The 2009 Edition of the Memphis Barbeque Company Competition Barbeque Team is ready to cook some barbeque. For us, this just might be the Year of the Pig!
This event has been good to us in the past. We won second place for ribs one year, and third place for yard bird another. It's close to home, and we always see old friends from past competitions, and generally have a hell of a good time. Because I have stayed out of trouble all winter long, I believe that we will have a very good year this year because I must have accumulated a lot of good karma and powerful Juju. For this reason, I anticipate winning.
We'll be registered for this event today, so mark your calendars., buy your bourbon, clean your kilt and get ready. The 2009 Edition of the Memphis Barbeque Company Competition Barbeque Team is ready to cook some barbeque. For us, this just might be the Year of the Pig!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
How to Prepare for the SuperBowl
Janurary 15, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 16 Days:
The day began normally, but ended with a 1 inch stream of water pouring into the basement from an electrical conduit. Yes...an electrical conduit. Who the hell do you call for that? A plumber or an electrician? Together, my wife and I fought the water. A plumber came and capped the electric conduit. We are standing in 3-4 inches of water and as he cuts each wire, he says 'Watcha for da sprarka'. I'm thinking, this may very well become an example of natural selection.
The water company arrives and shuts the water off. It's 4 degress outside. I'm pumping water from the basement but the hose keeps freezing up. Each time I go ouside to clear it, my hand freezes to the metal door knob when I reenter the house.
Janurary 16, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 15 Days:
The water is turned off. We began a 4 day marathon of drying out the basement. The big screen is intact and functional. Damage appears to be minimal. The Middlesex Water Company bozo's begin manouvering to avoid paying for repairing the water line. They forgot to bill us for our 'Customer Care Line Protection'. Our Homeowners Insurance begins trying to tell me that this is ground water (not covered). I calmly explain that in my experience, I have always seen water flow from a pipe, but never have I seen free water flow into a buried pipe, travel up hill, and emerge with force.
Janurary 17, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 14 Days
No running water means no flushing. We move to a hotel. A hotel with a bar. A bar that is out of Knob Creek. God hates me.
Janurary 19, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 12 Days:
Plumber can't get a permit to repair the line until tomorrow because all city offices are closed due to Dr.Martin Luther King Day. We become aware of CLUE. CLUE is a database maintained by insurance companies so that they can intimidate folks into not filing claims for water damage. If you file, you go in the CLUE database. When your insurance company drops you for filing the claim, you are not able to get homeowners insurance from anyone else.
Fortunately, it snows. We move out of the hotel to reduce the potential loss. We begin melting snow to flush. Flusing is a privledge not to be abused.
Janurary 20, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 11 Days:
Got permit. Have to wait for the Digging Cops to mark the yard so we can dig. No idea when they will come. Apparently the Digging Cops are typical employes of the utilities. They may not show up till spring. We're still dehumidifying the basement. It's getting better.
Janurary 21, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 10 Days:
Some bastard painted lines on the snow in my yard. It's the Gas guys. Now we're just waiting on the Middlesex Water Company. I am praying that the guy who paints the lines is more motivated and more competent than the guy who sends the bills out. They're not very good at billing people properly. Many tiles on the basement floor have come up. We remove them to allow the concrete to dry properly. Basement looks like hell, but we're making progress.
Janurary 23, 2009
The guy from Middlesex water show up and marks the line. Plumbers don't work on weekends.
The basement floor is finally dry enough. We prime the floor, and put new tiles down. The carpets are cleaned, and the furnature is washed with Murphy's Oil Soap. We are getting there.
Janurary 25, 2009
SuperBowl T-minue 6 Days
It is 4 degrees outside. I have a good fire into the smoker. Two shoulders and 18 slabs of loin back ribs. A couple of rough looking neighbors just happen by to see what's cooking. They are chronic Jets fans. Neither Steeler fans nor Ole Miss fans. I know why they are here. I show them my ax handle, they realize there is no barbeque for them, and they leave empty handed.
Janurary 26, 2009
SuperBowl T-minus 5 Days:
The Pagans Motorcycle club sends a plumber and a buttboy over at 7:00am. A guy on a backhoe shows up moments later. By noon, we have water. Life is good.
Janurary 27, 2009
Catfish is 12 years old. An email arrives from the Central Jersey Fireman's Cook-off! They are having the contest this year. it will be on June 20, 2009. It just doesn't get any better than this. We can flush. The basement is ready for the SuperBowl, and we've recieved notice that our favorite barbeque contest, where we have done well, is back on!!! The very best thing about this barbeque contest is they have running water in the bathrooms.
I love running water.
Superbowl T-minus 16 Days:
The day began normally, but ended with a 1 inch stream of water pouring into the basement from an electrical conduit. Yes...an electrical conduit. Who the hell do you call for that? A plumber or an electrician? Together, my wife and I fought the water. A plumber came and capped the electric conduit. We are standing in 3-4 inches of water and as he cuts each wire, he says 'Watcha for da sprarka'. I'm thinking, this may very well become an example of natural selection.
The water company arrives and shuts the water off. It's 4 degress outside. I'm pumping water from the basement but the hose keeps freezing up. Each time I go ouside to clear it, my hand freezes to the metal door knob when I reenter the house.
Janurary 16, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 15 Days:
The water is turned off. We began a 4 day marathon of drying out the basement. The big screen is intact and functional. Damage appears to be minimal. The Middlesex Water Company bozo's begin manouvering to avoid paying for repairing the water line. They forgot to bill us for our 'Customer Care Line Protection'. Our Homeowners Insurance begins trying to tell me that this is ground water (not covered). I calmly explain that in my experience, I have always seen water flow from a pipe, but never have I seen free water flow into a buried pipe, travel up hill, and emerge with force.
Janurary 17, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 14 Days
No running water means no flushing. We move to a hotel. A hotel with a bar. A bar that is out of Knob Creek. God hates me.
Janurary 19, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 12 Days:
Plumber can't get a permit to repair the line until tomorrow because all city offices are closed due to Dr.Martin Luther King Day. We become aware of CLUE. CLUE is a database maintained by insurance companies so that they can intimidate folks into not filing claims for water damage. If you file, you go in the CLUE database. When your insurance company drops you for filing the claim, you are not able to get homeowners insurance from anyone else.
Fortunately, it snows. We move out of the hotel to reduce the potential loss. We begin melting snow to flush. Flusing is a privledge not to be abused.
Janurary 20, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 11 Days:
Got permit. Have to wait for the Digging Cops to mark the yard so we can dig. No idea when they will come. Apparently the Digging Cops are typical employes of the utilities. They may not show up till spring. We're still dehumidifying the basement. It's getting better.
Janurary 21, 2009
Superbowl T-minus 10 Days:
Some bastard painted lines on the snow in my yard. It's the Gas guys. Now we're just waiting on the Middlesex Water Company. I am praying that the guy who paints the lines is more motivated and more competent than the guy who sends the bills out. They're not very good at billing people properly. Many tiles on the basement floor have come up. We remove them to allow the concrete to dry properly. Basement looks like hell, but we're making progress.
Janurary 23, 2009
The guy from Middlesex water show up and marks the line. Plumbers don't work on weekends.
The basement floor is finally dry enough. We prime the floor, and put new tiles down. The carpets are cleaned, and the furnature is washed with Murphy's Oil Soap. We are getting there.
Janurary 25, 2009
SuperBowl T-minue 6 Days
It is 4 degrees outside. I have a good fire into the smoker. Two shoulders and 18 slabs of loin back ribs. A couple of rough looking neighbors just happen by to see what's cooking. They are chronic Jets fans. Neither Steeler fans nor Ole Miss fans. I know why they are here. I show them my ax handle, they realize there is no barbeque for them, and they leave empty handed.
Janurary 26, 2009
SuperBowl T-minus 5 Days:
The Pagans Motorcycle club sends a plumber and a buttboy over at 7:00am. A guy on a backhoe shows up moments later. By noon, we have water. Life is good.
Janurary 27, 2009
Catfish is 12 years old. An email arrives from the Central Jersey Fireman's Cook-off! They are having the contest this year. it will be on June 20, 2009. It just doesn't get any better than this. We can flush. The basement is ready for the SuperBowl, and we've recieved notice that our favorite barbeque contest, where we have done well, is back on!!! The very best thing about this barbeque contest is they have running water in the bathrooms.
I love running water.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Long Live the Dead Cow Society
It is said by some, that the masonic societies began when the seven knights Templar began digging in the stables beneath Solomon's Temple. Much good has come from these organizations. Children's hospitals have been built. Scholarship programs thrive. All manner of civic good has come about since the seven knights first dug.
One week and one day from now, another equally impressive ensemble of men will gather. Brave men, Eaters of beast. But they will not be digging in stables buried beneath a temple ruin, but rather drinking hard liquor and wine in a bar with an attached restaurant.
Be not decieved, as this is a mission of mercy and much good juju will come from this. One of their number is suffering badly from chronic and long term bovine deprivation. The Good Brothers of the Dead Cow Society have resolved once more to rescue Brother Heiss from tofu.
So, Here's to us, The Good Brothers of the Dead Cow Society, as we seek to save Brother Heiss! May your glass never empty. May all your steaks be rare.
Until the appointed day,
ralphsfeetareclean!
One week and one day from now, another equally impressive ensemble of men will gather. Brave men, Eaters of beast. But they will not be digging in stables buried beneath a temple ruin, but rather drinking hard liquor and wine in a bar with an attached restaurant.
Be not decieved, as this is a mission of mercy and much good juju will come from this. One of their number is suffering badly from chronic and long term bovine deprivation. The Good Brothers of the Dead Cow Society have resolved once more to rescue Brother Heiss from tofu.
So, Here's to us, The Good Brothers of the Dead Cow Society, as we seek to save Brother Heiss! May your glass never empty. May all your steaks be rare.
Until the appointed day,
ralphsfeetareclean!
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