7 of 9....We didn't assimilate.

Well folks, despite being sober, we arrived at Keansburg right on time. We were well prepared. Landi made the worlds best Bloodymarys, and I build a fire of pure hickory. We used only the best stuff. Grey Goose Vodka, Major Peters Hot and Spicy Bloodymary mix, tobasco, and pepper ground in a $90 pepper grinder. ( It really does grind pepper better.)The wood we used was the finest, too. It was virgin hickory. Never climbed by a squirrel and no dog ever peed on these trees. It was well aged...two seasons..football and baseball.

The dead pig and yardbird were hand picked by trained pig and chicken wranglers just for this event. The pig had what has been determined by the Pig Association (Pig-Ass) as the perfect ratio of lean to fat. The chicken had led a pampered life, massaged daily with beer on a gourmet chicken ranch in Arkansas. This particular type of incredibly tender and flavorful chicken is known world wide as 'Kobe Chicken'. I think it's named for a basketball player.

It seemed that the sun and moon had aligned just for us. Karma was with us....we thought.

The fire started with little effort. This is always a bad sign. The ribs, still frozen, were thawed in the smoker. When they thawed, they prep'ed with little trouble. Same was true of the yardbird. Everything was going great, which obviously caused me great concern. I was deeply troubled by the chain of good fortune we had encountrered. If this trend continued, we would have zero chance at trophies.

Feeling the mounting pressure, I felt it was necessary and prudent to switch from bloodymary's to bourbon. I checked my watch and saw that it was almot 11:00am. I was concerned that I may have waited too long for the switch. My smoker went to 225 degrees, the perfect barbequing temperature, and stayed there with little effort. I felt panic setting in.

I took a moment to fix another bourbon and water, collect my thoughts and to pose underneat our Memphis Barbeque Company Team banner, holding in my hand our Utilikilts banner. I'm hoping for a larger banner later this season. I'm hoping for a larger bottle of bourbon, too.

Two hours in, it was looking grim. Everything was going perfectly. Zero problems. Three hours in someone brought us free ice because they observed that we were running low.

Oh damn! A random act of kindness.

A wave of sadness swept over me and I realized it was all over.


We continued the next hour, and worked hard in presenting the ribs, the chicken and the barbequed shirmp, but I knew in my heart, that the die had already been cast.
Landi's magical presentation of ribs, would fall on blind eyes. The wonder of real Memphis Dry Rubbed Ribs would be appreciated by many, but alas, we were doomed to be Seven of Nine.




Some might be let down by not placing higher. Others might be discouraged. Sometimes our competitive zeal gets the better of us. But not this day. We made some great barbeque, saw some wonderful friends, met some new and strange people, and had a hell of a good time. Though we will never assimilate (use that surgary barbeque sauce), we look forward to Yardly and the knowledge that it is yet another opportunity to spread the gospel of the Memphis Dry Rub! Can i get an 'amen'!?

So, friends and neighbors, get your Utilikilts ready. The world's only Utilikilted Award Winning High Performance Memphis Dry Rubbed Barbeque Team is going to Yardly, Pa. to smoke butts and take names!!

Again, if you're on the team, touch base with Landi. If you're not on the team, bring bourbon (Knob Creek or Makers Mark).